Ummm...the last five years! Or just the past 4 months...

Holy moly, it's been a long time since I wrote last.  Since the middle of May!  So much has happened in my life since then.  I'm not even sure where to begin!

The last 4 months have brought some of the most amazing times and some of the worst times in my life!  I'm going to mention some things very briefly...and then jump in to where I am now.

This summer I officially started my Masters of Art in Teaching.  I passed the three classes that I needed to get into the program.  But, I had to take 2 Praxis tests.  One test was almost 4 hours long and the second test was close to 2 hours.  The tests cost a total of $300!  So, these were tests that I couldn't fail!  Plus, I had to pass them by August 1 or I would be out of the Masters Program.  The problem was, that if I did not pass the tests, I would have to wait 2 weeks to take them again...so that really limited me to when I had to take them!  I took my first test- the Praxis Core (it's Reading, Writing, and Math combined) and I passed it with flying colors.  I have never studied so hard for anything in my life!  The second test was the Speech/Drama test...and I passed it, but only by a little!  Which doesn't bother me at all...a passing grade is a passing grade!  So, that was one more thing to check of my list on the way to getting my Masters in Teaching!

Another great thing that happened, was getting to work on the production of Aida at StageworX!  It is one of my favorite shows and this summer just proved that over and over!  I loved working on it!  The music is amazing, the kids were amazing, and it was just a dream three weeks!  I don't know if I have ever worked with such amazing, dedicated, quite while backstage group of kids.  It really made the show that much more special for me!  Truly one of the favorites that I have ever been a part of!

In perfect theatre fashion, one of the worst tragedy's  mixed with one of the most wonderful things happened this summer.  My sister was due in July with twins.  We found out on June 20th, that she had lost one of the boys, Kristof to be exact.  The type of pain this brought to everyone in our family, is indescribable.  The heartache radiates out- it's pain for myself/husband/sisters/their husbands- on missing their nephew.  Pain for my parents on missing their grandchild.  Most importantly and the hardest heartache is the one for my sister and brother-in-law.  I can't even begin to imagine what they are feeling, all I know is the my heart breaks for them more than anything else!  The good news, if there is good news, is that Kristof is already making his presence known.  He will forever be in our hearts, but he will now be our little raccoon, or a coin we see on the ground...it's not the same, but hopefully these little signs will start to help the healing process.  I could talk about this all day long, but I feel as if it's not my story.  I am a part of the story, but not the main part.  So, talking more about it on here, would make me feel weird.

Now, I'm going to go on to talk about the most wonderful things that also happened this summer, my sister had a wonderful son, named B!!!!  He was so tiny!  I flew out to visit her in July when B was only 5lbs!  I can not tell you enough how small he was!  He was 2 weeks old when I held him for the first time!  And he smiled at me!  Scientist might say that it was just gas...but I know better!  He knew his Aunt Amy was holding him!  He was a wonderful baby who hardly ever cried!  He just laid there and was a beautiful baby!  I got to go to his first Dr. apt and found out that he was eating and growing!  It was such a wonderful week!  My sister and I sat, held B, and watched TV!  I mean, is there a better dream?  After 9 days, I left...and I have not seen him since.  However, the pictures we get or the video's we get are nothing short of amazing! I look at them and watch them over and over.  My sister is flying in with B in 13 days...and guess who gets to pick them up at the airport?!?!?!  ME!!!  And my husband, who is just as excited as I am, because he has not gotten to meet B yet!  Holy cow, I am so excited!  I will get my flu shot at 3pm and then head to the airport to get them! Ahhhhh!

On to the last couple of months...school started back up!  I got "A's" in both of my summer Masters classes!  The final step to getting into the Masters program is that I maintain a 3.0 for the first 12 hours of the program!  6 hours done, 6 more to go!  So far, the classes seem okay.  It's a lot of thinking about what I do and putting it into words.  That is way more difficult than you would think.  I just do what I do...I do not think about it!  So, it takes time to think it through.  My school musical began mid-August and will run through the first week of October.  The high school musical started up early mid-September and will run through mid-November.  I have noticed this year, for the first time that I'm tired.  I have been doing 2 shows in the fall for the last 6 years and it's a lot!  I'm not sure if it's the fact that I don't have anything come January that is making everything seem like a lot!  Or if the fact that I am getting older and more conscience about my time and who I spend it with.  I don't know, maybe I'm getting older...and am just tired.  Anyway, it's hard!

Let's see, the other amazing thing that happened, was that my hubby started working at a middle school.  He is a Para Educator.  It was a bit of a last minute "do you want this job?  You can start tomorrow"!  He interviewed on a Friday and was working that next Monday!  And he loves it!  He at least enjoys it more than any other job he has had!  And it reminded him why he wants to be a teacher!  He started that job, and is now enrolled and attending JCCC working his way towards a teaching degree!  I know the kids have to love him!  He is funny, laid back, and just "cool"!  This week has been crazy since his computer is on the fritz...and it's hard to see him frustrated about it.  But he continues to work hard and work towards something that is for him!  It makes me happy to see him excited about work.

I guess that is all for now, sorry for the super long post!  I hope to get back to writing a bit more than I did this summer!  Okay...bye!

It's not personal!

How to not take things personally...

Any clues?  I have none!  I'm lost!  I take everything personally!  I don't know how to not take things personally!  I wonder if some of it is the Pisces sign...ha ha ha.  Okay, so I don't really think that, but it's interesting that a Pisces downfall is their sensitivity!  Ha ha ha!

So, this past year I choreographed 3 shows at the same time.  This was not fun!  I was stressed out and to be honest, I didn't even want to do one of the shows...I was talked into by a friend.  So, it was stressful!  One of the companies I have said no too, and it will be no for a long time.  Another place I said no to, was great, but it was a bit crazy with the schedule.  So, I have said no to all shows after Winter Break!  Except for one.  I hadn't said no, but I had not been asked back yet.  Which wasn't surprising, since this past year I wasn't officially asked until the fall.  So, I was thinking alright, I have cleared my schedule!  I will be able to be at more rehearsals and help out more.

But...

Today I got an email letting me know they went with someone else.  They wanted someone else who could be at rehearsal earlier than 4:15pm.  And unfortunately that was the earliest that I could arrive because of my full time job.  Plus, the school is far, so me getting out at 3:45 does not help!  And the email said she wanted someone who can be their earlier.  Which makes sense.  Plus, I do not know what next year brings!  I know that now, I can relax a little more next year!  Doing 5-6 shows a year is nutty!

And the more I think about it, the more I think not doing anything will be great!  I will have 2 shows in the fall, possibly working on the ballet, taking some classes for the Masters program, the Christmas program, and my sister is getting married!  And who knows, maybe I will be pregnant as well.  So, I might not want to do anything anyway!  

Okay, I feel better!  Sometimes just writing things out makes me feel better!

I need to relax? What? Are you sure?

So, I went off the pill in December.  We officially started trying in January (December would have been a bad time to get pregnant with my schedule).  Now, I say officially, because we had a talk that said (I guess technically the talk happened in December) if we get pregnant we are good with it.

So far, nothing has happened.  Am I surprised?  Not really.  Let's do a quick recap of my life since January:
January- work full time, choreographing 2 shows, going to school, and teaching 2 hours of dance.  I remember feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted.  Am I surprised I didn't get pregnant?  No!

February- work full time, choreographing 3 shows, going to school, and teaching 2 hours of dance.  I have also picked up some extra hours of dance.  Once again I am feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, wondering if I'm going to make it to my vacation.  I also remember thinking that I was pregnant since I was soooooo tired.  However, it was just my life that was making me tired.  Ha ha ha!

March- work full time, opened 3 shows, going to school, and taught 2 hours of dance.  I remember feeling guilty because I was not giving my full attention to anyone.  Not to the shows nor dance, nor work.  I did get to go on vacation- which was amazing...but I was a bit stressed the whole time about how much we were spending.  I was also a bit stressed because we were supposed to be ovulating while on vacation.  Looking back, it wasn't as relaxing as I would have liked it to be...but I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to fully relax.

April- my life has quieted down a bit...I still work full time, go to school, and teach dance.  I got into the Masters Program- which starts in the summer...so I'm a bit worried about financial aid, the amount of homework, and some tests that I still have to take which will cost around $300.  We made it to our One-Year Anniversary...but my stressing out is not looking any better.  Money, school, moving, Curt doesn't like his job, if we do get pregnant- can we afford it?  Am I to old to get pregnant?  Um...does anyone have any stress?  I sometimes feel like I am taking everyone else's.

May- I go from being fine to stressing out and then back to fine...about every day.  It's getting better...but still buggy.  I'm not having panic attacks or anything like that...I just plan ahead for months and years...which is pointless because things change all the time- but I still plan and then plan for plan B and plan C.  I'm still working full time and teaching dance, but am looking forward to the summer- where I have a bit of a break.

Overall- since we started trying...I have had some of the most stressful months of the year or my life.  I'm not sure which.  So, is it any surprise that I'm not pregnant?  No!  Does it surprise me when people say "you just need to relax"?  No!  Is it annoying when people say that?  Not yet...so that is good.  And that is also because I know I need to relax.  The thing no one really mentions is how to relax.  How can I relax when I'm always stressed about something.  Whether it's money, my getting older and not having kids yet, my husband and his future, my own future, my family and their health...I mean where does it stop?

You know what?  It's stopping now!  I'm at least going to try harder to not worry quite so much.  How am I doing that?  I'm not sure.  We are going to be moving in with my folks for a bit, so that will help with my money issues.  That will also help us pay off our bills- which will also help with my stress.  I have cut down on the activities that I will be doing next year.  I have said no to a few shows.  Hopefully I will only be doing 3-4 shows next year instead of the 6 I did this year!  And of course the amazing weather- having a back porch (my folks house), I would like to start working out again,  I pray- about my family, myself, and to remind me that it's not my plan...it's His plan, then I give thanks and finally I read these devotionals that are written just for me. Here is today's:
"Do not search for security in the world you inhabit.  You tend to make mental checklists of things you need to do in order to gain control of your life.  If only you could check everything off your lise, you could relax and be at peace.  but you the more you work to accomplish that goal, the more thing crop up on your list.  The harder you try, the more frustrated you become".

I make lists for everything.  Last night I spent an hour making a list on paying off our bills.  I have moving lists, and a school list, and a list on getting pregnant, and a list for my lists.  So, my lists are going out the window.  I might make a "To-Do" list for the day...but that is it!  I'm going to relax!  I'm going to enjoy life!  I'm going to even enjoy the struggles that I'm going through!  So...there you have it!  You know how I'm going to start relaxing?  I will get a few things ready for our move, clean a few things as well (I promise this will help me de-stress...knowing I'm doing something), and relax with the husband.  And, next week I'm getting a massage called "Stress Fix Massage".  It will be a work in process, but one that will hopefully help me in the future!  Thanks for reading, and I hope this does not stress you out...I feel better now!

Time moves both fast and slow...weird!

Time moves fast and slow...do you know what I mean?

Let's take the month of April for example.  I can't believe that tomorrow is the last day of April.  I mean this month has flown by!  And it should, I was busy.  But when I stop and think, my one year anniversary was a few weeks ago...that just seems insane!  It seems like another lifetime ago that we celebrated with eating our cake!

It's been quite a month!  I'm glad it's over!  If you have read my blog you know that I'm always looking at the future!  So, I'm excited for this next season in life, in weather, in things that we are doing.

I have 15 more days of school, which means a wonderful change in schedule.  My summer theatre camp begins here shortly...which is one of my favorite times of the year!  Curt is looking for a different job.  One that will hopefully make him a bit more happy and a bit more money.  So there is that change in life.  We will be moving out of our apartment and into....well, we aren't sure exactly where we will be moving.  My sisters babies will be born in July, so that will be a nice trip for us!  I start the Masters Program in June- another change!  It's just so exciting!

So, while this month flew by, the individual days of the week were a bit slow motion!  Here is too a new month!  To warmer weather, new routines, different jobs, new dances, homework, and a new life path!  We can do this and I'm actually looking forward to doing this!

Hello Headache...it's been a while...

People, yesterday I said to my husband (who had a headache) that I have not had a headache in a long time.  Not that I was trying to brag to my hubby, but I am a person who gets headaches a lot.  I feel as if I get them every couple of days.  So for me to say that I have not gotten one in a while was a bit crazy.  

So, I went to look it up...and it's been 16 days since my last headache.  Of course today (the day after I comment about my lack of headaches) I get a headache.  But I still take it as a big accomplishment!  

My next thoughts go to...why did I get a headache?

1. I have been drinking a lot of water lately.  I try to do 6-9 glasses a night.  I'm currently on glasses 7-9.  So, I don't think I'm dehydrated.

2. I didn't eat on time.  If I wait to long to eat...then I get a hunger headache.  I was starving when I went to grab my lunch...so that might be the case.

3. The weather is a bit crazy right now...so that might cause a headache.

You want to know what I think?

I think I'm having sugar withdrawals!  Now don't get me wrong....I still had coffee with creamer yesterday- a salted mocha caramel creamer.  Last night I ate a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich.  So, it's not like I'm cutting it out cold turkey.  But...I'm not eating cookie dough.  Or candy bars.  Or any type of deliberate sweet.  And I think my body is saying...there is a lot less sugar here than normal.  So...yikes!  It's so hard to not have sweets!  They are my downfall!  But I remember in December having so much extra energy...even though I was working like a mad woman!  So, I'm going to try to refrain...

So, I'm going to blame my headache on my sugar withdrawal!  Ha ha ha!  We will see how tomorrow goes!

Coincidence or a God Thing?

Coincidence or A God Thing?

So, I have a calendar sitting on my desk that has Bible quotes and little inspirational notes...almost like mini lessons....but not really.  Anyway, my parents got these for all of us girls a couple of years ago.  Last year I brought it to school to look at every day.  And I will keep using it, because...well I like reading the messages.  *Sidebar, they got one for each of us 4 girls, but what they didn't realize is that one of them was in Spanish.  So, that was really funny to watch Sarah open on Christmas morning.  It's a good thing she minored in Spanish in college...ha ha ha*

So, it seems that when I'm feeling particularly stressed about something, I flip my calendar to the current date and the message is meant just for me!  This happens more than you know.  One time I was worried about money and I flipped the calendar and it said something about money not being the end all be all.  Ha!

Today I come in to work, and I'm worried about life.  Since I am no longer insanely busy...I now have time to worry about EVERYTHING!  Ha ha ha!  Now I worry normally, but today I was getting frustrated because I'm worried about things that are out of my control!  And I hate not being able to control things in my life...ha ha ha!

Anyway, so I get to work, flip my calendar and it says:

Trust Me, and don't be afraid.  Many things feel out of control.  Your routines are not running smoothly.  You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable.  Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.

When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities.  Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new.  I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom.  Say yes to the ways I work in your life.  Trush Me, and don't be afraid.

Ha ha ha, just last night I was sitting with my husband thinking...what are we going to do?  We have so much time together...this is new!  And not that I liked never seeing him...but going from seeing him for a few hours a couple times a week...to seeing him every night for 4-5 hours a night...well it's different.  It's new!  It's something that I am having to figure out.  Life right now feels off, feels out of control, and I have not made any new routines yet...so this passage was written just for me today!  

Coincidence or a God thing?  I am going with a God thing!  It makes me feel better that God is here is with me.  That he knows my worries and this little calendar is his way of saying...don't worry, I'm here with you!

Okay...it's back to work for me!  

Come on people...use your brains!

So, I read a post on facebook today that was talking about another post that I saw on facebook...here are my thoughts:

Post #1: Stop doing things for your children that they can do for themselves.
Post #2: Please keep doing things for your children that they can do for themselves.

The first post is pretty self explanatory- stop doing things for your kids that they can do...don't wake them up in the morning.  Stop making them gourmet breakfasts.  Stop doing their chores.

The second post was talking about how she brushes and braids her daughters hair every night.  How it's a ritual and how they have girl talk and say prayers...and all that stuff.  She said I read the article saying to not do stuff for your kids...but I can't help it.  I love that time.  And the writers grandma told her to keep doing it.

It's these type of articles that annoy me!  Now, I don't have kids yet...so I know that I'm judging ahead of my time.  And I'm not even really judging.  I just know how I grew up, and I see how my sister raises her kids.

#1. I think kids can do a lot for themselves.  No on needs to be waking up a middle school in the morning.  I was getting up on my own when I was in first and second grade.

#2.  I was also making myself breakfast!  Toast is easy, cereal is easy, waffles are easy...come on people!

I did not take the article to mean that every 10 year old should be self-sufficient!  Or that you can't have any bonding time with your child.  I loved nothing more than to have my mom french braid my hair.  But I can tell you what...we had to plan that out before that moment.  My mom would say...I'm not doing it right now,  you should have asked last night.  I mean, with 4 girls...can you even imagine?  Ha ha ha!

So, now onto the second post...I feel like this woman totally missed what the first post was about.  It was talking about some bonding time that you have with your daughter.  My dad got up with us every morning for "Breakfast Club".  He did not make us breakfast, but he did eat breakfast with us in the morning.  That was a wonderful bonding moment for us.  But he did not wake us up, or make breakfast for us.

Come on parents, you have to let your kids be somewhat independent!  They need that!  There are some parents at school who talk about waking up their high schooler?!?!  I'm sorry what???  It's because they have learned that you will wake them up!  Sheesh!  As Will Smith just said in an interview..."let them fail".  It's okay!  They will recover!

Obviously, if your kid has a sleeping problem- then that is something different.  But let's be real...how likely is that for so many parents?  My husband didn't know how to do laundry until he moved in with a friend at age 24!!!  I love my mother-in-law, but she did him a disservice!  She did so much for her children, that it actually hurt their ability to grow!

So, I agree with post #1, don't do things for your children that they can do for themselves...but don't eliminate bonding time with them either!  Be smart!

I love books!

I love to ready!  Mostly fiction...but every now and then I will enjoy what I call a "real" book.  Ha ha ha.  But I go through book reading phases.  I will read a lot of books in a row, or a series of books...and I love it!  Then I feel a bit lost when I'm done.  Or tired of reading so much.  Over winter break I checked out 5 books from the Library.  I had a busy break...and was a bit drained from the the previous months...and only read one book.  And it wasn't the best book.  So, I didn't read anymore.

Well, yesterday, I picked up another book.  And it's this great Sci-fi book with magic and witches...and I'm hooked!  I really do love reading!  It's just a great escape from every day life!  I will say though...when you do find a good book, doing anything besides reading that book tends to make one upset.  Ha ha ha!

So, here I am at work, reading and I'm asked to do something else...and I don't want to do that!  I just want to have a great time reading!  Ha ha ha!

#firstworldproblems

Deep thoughts by Amy Alderman

12 days!  

Thank goodness fun, warm sun, and relaxation are happening in 12 days!  I can make it through the next 12 days!  Make it thought 14 hour work days and rehearsal on the weekends!  I can make it through rehearsals with kids who don't know how to practice outside of rehearsals and kids who just want to see their friends!  I can make it through not seeing my husband or my puppy until 9:30 at night when I'm too tired to do anything but crash!  I can do this!

Because at the end of these 12 crazy days...I will be in Florida with my family!  And the thing about these next 12 days is that there are kids who will remember this as their first show, their first lead, their first time on stage, their first time in the dance chorus, their favorite show, or the weirdest show, or the most frustrating show...who knows how they will remember these shows.  But it will be in their memory and their friends memories, and their parents memories for as long as they can remember things.

I had a girl come up to me yesterday.  After a full day of work, a tense rehearsal at the middle school, and working more than my energy was wanting to allow at the second rehearsal- she came up and said that she has never had directors who believed in her like we did.  Its her first time in the dance chorus!  Is she the best dancer in the world?  No...I would not even consider her a dance.  But in this show, she is the best dancer we have and one of the hardest working kids that I have worked with!  So, that made my heart happy!  To hear the excitement in her voice and to know that even though this show is causing my life some crazy stress...for her it's amazing!  And I love that!  I mean- isn't that the real reason I do shows with middle school kids?  To put a positive spin/or a change in their lives?  And to hang out with some of my favorite adults- ha!  But it was so wonderful to hear that from her!  And if that is all I get out the show...then that is perfect!  It's not going to be a perfect show...we are kind of hoping for a cute show at this point...but for me- the show was worth it because a few kids were made to feel amazing about themselves during the process!  And that is what every kid needs!  What ever kid deserves!  And that is what I should strive to do.  To make them feel amazing!  

That being said...my job is not to make kids feel amazing for no reason.  They have to work hard...they have to earn it!  They have to want to be good more than anything!  And when they put in the work, they will get the reward!  

Okay- so week one of my two weeks of hell is almost over!  I can totally finish strong!

On a completely different topic- I am learning as an adult that there is no point in being sad (for longer than a moment) about certain things.  Things will happen when they are supposed to happen.  In their own time, in their own way.  It's not up to me and the more I try to control things...the more I get hurt in the process.  So, for the last month or so...I have been trying to let go of the reigns and go with the flow.  If I have time to do the laundry it will get done.  If I don't...that is okay as well.  Sometimes I forget to ask for help...and sometimes I remember.  It's all good.  I will say, overall the last month has been less stressful for me.  I was not totally stress-free in life because anyone that works 40-60 hours a week is going to be stressed...but I'm really trying to not freak out over the little things.  Because tomorrow is a new day, next week is undecided, the month after that...anything can happen!  The future is still unknown and it's all very exciting!  Don't get bogged down by today's stress when tomorrow could be amazing!  

Wow- I'm feeling so deep today!  I must be tired!  Alright folks, back to work for me!

Wah Wah days...they suck!

Do you ever have one of those wah wah days?  Yesterday I had one...it's almost as if I knew getting up yesterday morning that it was going to be a wah wah kind of day!  I was tired...and already cranky!  It just wasn't a great morning.

My solution?  Get my free Starbucks...I was trying to save that for a special occasion, but I felt like I really needed it!  So, I got my Venti Latte...which I never get!  With extra syrup!  And it did nothing for me.  Last week I had a small campfire mocha coffee from Carribou Coffee and I was bouncing off the walls all day!  I mean I was just as happy as a clam and soooooooo hyper!  But not yesterday!  Giant latte, extra sweets, and.....there was nothing!

Then I started thinking about money- which if you know me...or you have read a few of my blogs...put me in even more of a funk!  And then everything- a kid needing something, a parent phone call, alphabetizing...even Curt...everything was making me cranky!  The only thing saving me was talking with my sister and my friend!

I got home, cleaned the kitchen (which never takes as long as it does in my head), and went up to school to start editing my video!

I have a few thoughts about why I was so cranky and why I have been so tired...

1. Maybe I'm pregnant- I hear you get tired...like really tired.  Which is how I feel.  And if I'm not preggo- being pregnant tired is going to really suck!  Ha ha ha!  Also the crazy mood swings- happy one day, cranky the next...that could be a sign.

Even though that would be fun,

1.5- My period is around the corner...which would explain things as well...

No one thinks that is fun...however I did find out today that one of my co-workers has been having a weird period for the last few months.  I said I wonder if your body is trying to sync with mine.  I have been off the pill for the last couple of months...things like that are very fascinating to me!  Is that weird?  It sounded weird...

Oh well, I think the actual reason is...

2. I'm sick.  I think my body is trying to fight a bad cold & conscience/sub conscience stress.  I have had a semi-sore throat for the past 5 days, I'm tired, I can't get out of bed in the morning.  I am wanting to eat comfort foods all the time.  The good news is...if it's a cold I don't mind just being tired.  I'm trying to get as much sleep as I can.  I need to drink more water and eat better...those things I can do!

So, today I'm going to try to be good.  Drink more water, eat more fruits and veggies, and try to get in a workout at least 4 times a week.  That is the goal!  I can do that, be healthier for it...plus I only have 18 days until I'm in Florida!  And I want to look good for that!!!  And I have 17 more days until my shows are done...so the stress will be melting away!

No more wah wah days for me!  At least that is the goal!

Working towards the future...it's not easy!

So, each morning on my way to work I normally say a prayer.  It's just a nice way to start the day.  The jobs where I work are normally more loud, so a lot of the time when I'm in a car, I turn off the radio.  Which sounds weird...but it is better for me!

So, lately I have been "giving" my day to God.  The nice thing is...that it has been helping with my anxiety.  So, I have not felt a serious choking feeling in about a week!  I might be a bit of a Type A personality.  So, giving up control is not my thing!

With a schedule like mine, you have to plan, plan, plan!  When you choreograph shows you have a planned time to teach the dance!  I assume with kids, you have planned activites!  When I become a teacher, I will have the class time planned out...so it's not all that crazy that I like my life planned out!  However, I'm learning...okay so I already knew it...but I still try to fight it...to give it up!  I still get to plan a lot of things...but I can't plan the future.  I can work towards a plan for the future...but I can't actually plan it!

This past summer I was looking into a teaching program.  I have been half hearted-ly looking into for a few years now.  For the first time, I got serious.  I actually applied.  I found out what I needed to get into the program...I am taking classes, and looking into tests...so while this past fall, I did not know for sure if I was going to get into the program...I was at least working towards the program!  By the way, I found out a few weeks ago, that as long as I pass the class I'm in currently...I will be able to sign up for the summer courses.  I will still have to pass a few tests, but at least I know that I can start the program!

So, in the school example, I could not know the future, I can only work towards the future!  I cannot know when I will have a baby, but I can work towards having a baby!  I cannot know when we will be debt free, but I can work towards being debt free.  It's not easy to just "work towards" something!  I want to know, I want to plan it all out, I want to be in charge!  But that is not how life works!  So, I'm giving my days to God!  I'm giving up control of the future (even if that future is an hour away)...I'm working on living in the moment while working towards the future!

Okay- so here's to working towards the future!

Wow...I'm so dramatic!

Oh little things in life, why must you torture me?  Why must you try to all pile on top of my shoulders and try to take me out?  You all suck!  But, for the record...I'm going to keep on getting back up again!  Dramatic?  Yes!  True?  Also yes!

My anxiety in the form of a choking feeling is getting less and less...until the last two weeks...which it was rough at school, my schedule was really rough, and overall...I just felt so overwhelmed!  But hopefully it will be calming down!

Crazy school stuff for the middle school- everything for the packet has been ordered!  As soon as it's all here, I will start stuffing the envelopes!  No need to worry about getting that done!

Crazy CYT stuff- I have one more dance to choreograph...and then it's smooth sailing!  Plus, with the end in sight...and a vacation right after...I should be golden!

Crazy BVMS- who am I kidding, that school is great!  The show is about 3 weeks away!  I'm ready for it to be over, but I'm not actively going to those rehearsals any more...due to my other shows!

Crazy Rockhurst- I have been going for a few weeks and it's been great!  Some of the stuff (aka blocking) is a bit hard, and I'm not sure the director has a clear idea as too what she wants...so that is a bit hard...but over all...I am having a blast!

Crazy school school- good news- if I pass my current class, I will get into the M of A program!  This is a huge relief.  I was stressing a bit with not knowing how that will work!  The class itself while all the time wasting is a bit buggy...over all it's fun and I think I will enjoy myself!  Tomorrow I will start filming for my first project!  I'm excited!

At some point, I might get to see my husband!  Ha ha ha...not easy, but it's all coming down to a close in the next few weeks!  And once again...a vacation following the closing of 2 shows is going to be amazing!!!

So, little things in life...you can suck it!  I'm going to keep getting back up...and you can deal with it!  Mic drop- drama out!

Sometimes I talk to myself...out loud...

Sometimes when I'm drive I have conversations with myself...It usually helps me sort things out.  I'm also able to get all of my complaining/thinking through my thoughts before I see any actual people.  So, it works.

Well, last night, my friend went into the hospital to have her baby!  I sent her a text so let her know that if she was born on January 29th, she would be born on Kansas' Birthday!  How do I know this?  Well, when I was in high school my boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend on January 29th!  And someone told me that it was Kansas' Birthday!  Here is where my thoughts went after this...

I got my first email account sometime after January 29, 1999!  That is just nuts!  I had an Instant Message account, but that was not email!  But sometime after that fatal night where I started dating, Todd...I got an email account amichelle129@...Then I was in shock!  I feel as if email has been around for forever!  But nope...

Technology is so funny in that way for the older people...oh man, I'm one of the older people...wah wah!  But I have to think about when I got my first cell phone.  And now my first email account...I have only had 2 other accounts since then...so that is kind of crazy as well!  So, that was my weird thoughts last night about January 29th...and my email address!

My other thought was about pregnancy.  I feel as if it would be better if they had fake birth control pills.  That once you say "We are ready to start trying" your Dr. will pick a time to start giving you the fake pills.  Here is why...when you are ttc (I'm so fancy with my lingo) everything makes you think "Is this a sign of pregnancy?"  And it's buggy!  I don't want to have gas and think...am I pregnant?  Or be tired and think "Am I pregnant?"  I just want to go about my day and not think about it.  I just want to think normal things...I'm tired?  It's probably because you work a lot...and you are always tired.  Gas?  That hot dog didn't sit well.  To make things worse...on top of all of these thoughts this is my 2nd month off the pill!  So, it's not as if I have been trying for a while now...Here were my thoughts last night:

Man, I'm gassy.  Having gas is one of the signs of being pregnant.  Or it could just be that the hot dog didn't sit well with you.  But I have been gassy all day.  When was the last time you were so gassy?  I don't know, but I probably wasn't paying attention like right now.  And you are tired.  Yes, but I'm always tired.  Yes, but you are really tired!  I know, but that is probably because my dreams last night were vivid.  And I felt like I was awake and running all night.  Or maybe you are pregnant.  No, I'm not pregnant.  And if you keep these "I'm pregnant" thoughts up in a few weeks...you are going to be sad...

I mean, I try to be rational!  And I don't really share these thoughts with others because...well they are annoying!  Ha ha ha!  I mean, I was getting annoyed with myself!  So, that is why I talk to myself in the car!  To have these conversations out loud...with just me...so that no one else needs to know the weird things I'm thinking!  Ha ha ha, well now you know!

Oh life...you crack me up!

I Can Do It!  It's nice when you can sit back and realize things!  For me, the thought of not having rehearsal on Friday nights is a game changer!  It's crazy!  The thought of being able to be home after a week of other rehearsals, working full time, and subbing at dance...is just amazing!  My entire attitude changes!

I love choreographing shows...but having to create dances that are cool dances is very stressful!  Now, I feel like teaching dance would also be stressful...but when you do that...you only need 1 really really cool dance.  The recital dance!  When you choreograph you have to come up with so many different "cool" dances...because each dance has to be somewhat cool for the kids that are in that specific dance!  The other thing that is hard with choreographing shows is that the level of talent that might be in a show ranges from never even heard of dancing to So you think you can dance!  Where as in a dance class- you have levels.  So, while they might be the worst kid in level 6...they are still a level 6!  Not a level 1 in a level 6 class.  I'm not sure why this got off on a "whats easier teaching dance or choreographing" because they are both tough and you have to be an amazing dancer/teacher to do both!

When I started that, my point was to say that I'm almost done choreographing 2 of the shows!  I am done (unless they ask me to do something else) with one show and only have one number left with the other!  Yahoo!!!  Then my third show begins and I should be done with that middle of Feb!  I'm so pumped!  Here is what I came up with today:

7 more rehearsals until Bye Bye Birdie Tech week...and 11 more Bye Bye Birdie rehearsals total!

9 more rehearsals until Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Tech week...and 16 more Chitty Chitty Bang Bang rehearsals total!

11 more rehearsals until Adams Family Tech Week...and 20 more Adams Family rehearsals total!

With this news...I can look at my schedule and say "I can do it!"  I can get through this crazy time...and I know that February is going to feel short with Conferences...and my class!  So, I'm bearing down...or is it baring down?  I'm basically going to plant my feet and get to work on life!  Once these shows are done, it's smooth sailing until Summer Break!  Ha ha ha!

Other News:
So, in December, we decided that I should go off the pill.  It was a very exciting and nerve wracking time as well.  Our original plan was to go off the pill in the spring, but with the excitement of my sisters pregnancy...it got moved up!  The good news is...is that if I don't get pregnant yet, it's not the end of the world yet.  Over all...later in the spring would be a better time for us to start (meaning a better time for the baby to arrive), but it's all good in the hood!

The weird thing is...is trying to not be crazy about it!
1. I'm still not sure exactly when I ovulate...or if I am for that matter.  Ha ha ha!  While my head says, let's go out and buy a months worth of ovulation tests...my heart says...give it time!  Ha!  So, I am not going out to buy those...for the moment!

2. I have an ovulation calendar!  Amy...that is you being crazy!  But I'm trying really hard to not "force" an experience with the husband!  I really want to look back and say "It was a very romantic night" not...well my head hurt, but we did it anyway.  Ha ha ha!  Plus, I really like entering the information in...it's fun!  I'm a nerd like that!

3.  I'm not going to buy stock in Pregnancy tests either.  If I can "refrain" and only use 1 or 2/month...I will good about myself!  Ha ha ha!

I can totally see how sex could be a chore vs. fun!  I can totally see how frustrating it can be to not get pregnant for years.  I can feel some of that tension inside myself...which means I'm taking things too seriously...so I can tell myself (at the moment of only trying for 2 months) to take it easy!  I can see how upsetting it can be to see that EVERYONE on Facebook is pregnant...just like when I wanted to get engaged...everyone else was getting engaged!  It all makes sense!  I myself, just need to continue to take a step back for the next few months...to just enjoy this time with the husband!  To get over my crazy schedule...and become more of a normal schedule type of person!  To get our living situation (moving in June) and our money situation in the best possible place it can be...and then just live life!

So, there you have it!  I figured I should write about it...since:
1. I think about it a lot (wanting to be a mom since I was a kid...makes it rough)
2. I'm just so excited to start this journey with my hubby!
3. Only my mom and sisters really read this blog...and they know all of this stuff already!

Okay- I'm out to eat lunch!

Life...it's so buggy sometimes!

Sometimes life is so buggy!  Today is actually a better day for my anxiety than it has been for the past few days.

It's the Catch 22 issue...you can't do something unless you do something else.  But that something else can't be achieved until you do the something!  Arg!

Example- We have debt!  More than I would like...but in America's scheme of things...it's not too crazy!  We were just dumb...and that is why I get so annoyed!  Ha ha ha.  Anyway- when looking at buying houses they might not give you a loan if your debt is too high for what you make.  However that being said...the mortgage for the house is so much less than rent is for that same house.  So...while it would be a great move (mortgage is roughly $600...leaving us with an extra 300-400/month to pay off the loan) the bank will say no...leaving us to rent a smaller space for $1200...making it almost impossible to pay for rent!  It's so annoying!

Now I will say, that we have not applied for a loan...or seen how much of a loan we could get.  So...all of this is currently in my head and my head alone!  I know that both C and myself have great credit scores!  I also know that when given the chance...we will pay things off!  But, it's just buggy!  And once again it's even more buggy because most of the debt could have been prevented!

The hard thing when you make a mistake with money is that it takes so long before it disappears!  Every time I think about how much money is being wasted to a credit card company...I get mad all over again!  And it won't go away until we are debt free!  Or at least certain cards are debt free!  Arg!

Ha ha ha...okay- my rant is over!  We have plenty of time to figure out if we can get approved for a loan...we will not be moving out until June!  So...5-6 months!  And as I keep telling myself...there is no point in me getting mad about it (easier said than done) for the next year or so!  I'm trying to be better...but boy does money really get me going!

All of this all leads to me wanting to become and Family and Consumer Science teacher and teach the kids about debt...and about why you shouldn't go into debt!  And how to stop yourself!  Okay...and to bake cookies and stuff as well!  Ha ha ha!

The anxiety in my throat has only come around for a few moments (yesterday it was there all day...) so I am feeling good!  My first class is tonight...yahoo!  I hope!  I'm also really nervous about it!

And today also marks 7 Wednesday's until I'm in Florida!  Which means 2 shows done and 1 to go!  I can do this!  I can do 7 more weeks of rehearsals!  Which means only 1.5 more weeks until I'm done choreographing 2 our of three shows!  I can totally do this!  I can do this!  Not only can I do it...but I can totally rock out at doing it as well!  Okay- I'm out!

Laughing at the future...

I sometimes find it funny how God jokes around with us!  I'm not talking in a mean way...but...well let me just share with you!

So, I want to have kids!  I want to move into a bigger place with a garage and a driveway...I want to be debt free!  But then I think about the future and I think we can't afford that stuff.

Yesterday I was thinking about health insurance and day care for my future child that has not been conceived.  And I began to worry about it.  I began to think if it's a good idea to have kids right now...because my job doesn't pay very much and Curt has been at his new job for almost 6 months...and I can't see in our future how we are going to afford this stuff.

We are also looking at moving into a duplex.  The rent would go up about $300, but it is a 3 bedroom with a garage and a driveway...and space to do things!  But then I thought of the future...what if we have a kid?  What if I don't get all of these gigs back?

Then I just flipped the page on my Jesus Calling Daily Calendar...and guess what it says...this is where God is rolling on the floor laughing at me...it says (paraphrasing):
I am always beside you, helping you face today's waves.  The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you.  Laugh at the future!  Stay close to Me.

Ha ha ha, here I am freaking out about the future...and then this calendar page comes up and talks about a sea of problems...and it seems when they are my problems it's hard for me to focus on Him.  But if I'm praying for somebody else's problems...that is easy peasy!

So, here is to God making me laugh!  It happens all the time, but today it really hit me, because things are moving fast!  So, I'm not going to worry about insurance and day care for a non-existent baby!  And I'm not going to think about rent in a duplex that is not ours!  And I'm not going to think about a Graduate program that I have not been admitted too!  Or Curt's higher paying job that he can't apply for yet.

No, I'm going to focus on today!  On today's issues...which are- go eat you are hungry, stay sane, don't go out to dinner...you don't need to spend the money...that is what I can focus on tomorrow!  The long term- totally crazy worrying can wait until the future!

For today, I will laugh at the future!

I am losing my mind...or it might already be gone! I can't tell...

If my brain were a building...possibly a nuclear building...the alarms would be blaring as we speak!  The workers would be running for their lives because my brain is about to melt down!

I don't really loose things!  If I lose something it's normally my phone- because I put my phone down in all sorts of places.  My phone doesn't have a "place" in the house.  Besides that, I don't really lose things.  If my husband asks where something is, I can close my eyes and visualize where I put it!  I can take a second and go and grab it!  That is how I have been for forever!

******Alarm Sound*****Alarm Sound*****Alarm Sound******Alarm Sound*****Alarm Sound

Until recently!  For the past few weeks...and maybe on and off for the last few months...I have been losing things!  It's as if I can see the last place I had the item and then a wall is built and I can't figure out how to get around it.

For example: I got a DVD for a show I'm doing.  I never use them so I thought...I will just leave it in my car.  The director said "Don't loose that DVD!"  Not an issue, since it will be in my car (why I just didn't give it back, I don't know...).  Now a few weeks later...I have no idea where this DVD is!  I can't find it anywhere!  Have I completely torn my house apart?  Not yet, but I looked in all the "normal" places of where it might be!  I am so annoyed!

I realized I lost it a few weeks ago...and have now also realized that I have lost a few other items as well.  It's so buggy!  But it also makes me really nervous!  Am I starting to develop Altzeimers?  My husband jokes that I can't remember things...but it really does freak me out!  One time I lost my wallet and I started crying to my hubby.  He was trying to keep me calm, but I was losing my mind!  He insisted that he check the car for me, since I was freaking out!  I wanted to go myself, but he wouldn't let me!  I ended up finding it the next day (it was under the car...and not in the car).  I really thought I was slowly losing my mind!

The other issue with me losing items is that I don't have time to look for them!  I'm so tired by the time I get home after working from 7am-8pm...or I have people coming over...or I'm going to someone's house...my schedule is just crazy!  Then on top of losing items, I'm annoyed that I have once again made my schedule insane!  And I have a hard time saying no...especially when it comes to making money!

So, here I am worried about losing my mind, actually losing items, and mad at myself for creating a crazy schedule!  Where does that leave me?  With A LOT of anxiety!  So, I guess that is one item off of my list...why do I feel anxious?  Because I am losing stuff...my mind included!

Deep Breaths****Deep breaths***Deep Breaths**Deep Breaths*

So, it's time to stop worrying about it and start to focus our mind on where some of these things might be!  To let it go!  The items will turn up sooner or later!  I will stop giving myself a crazy schedule!  Plus there are only 8 more weeks of pure crazy and then there is a lot of down time!  I can do this!  I can make lists...and try to be more organized!  I CAN DO THIS!!!