So, I went off the pill in December. We officially started trying in January (December would have been a bad time to get pregnant with my schedule). Now, I say officially, because we had a talk that said (I guess technically the talk happened in December) if we get pregnant we are good with it.
So far, nothing has happened. Am I surprised? Not really. Let's do a quick recap of my life since January:
January- work full time, choreographing 2 shows, going to school, and teaching 2 hours of dance. I remember feeling very overwhelmed and exhausted. Am I surprised I didn't get pregnant? No!
February- work full time, choreographing 3 shows, going to school, and teaching 2 hours of dance. I have also picked up some extra hours of dance. Once again I am feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, wondering if I'm going to make it to my vacation. I also remember thinking that I was pregnant since I was soooooo tired. However, it was just my life that was making me tired. Ha ha ha!
March- work full time, opened 3 shows, going to school, and taught 2 hours of dance. I remember feeling guilty because I was not giving my full attention to anyone. Not to the shows nor dance, nor work. I did get to go on vacation- which was amazing...but I was a bit stressed the whole time about how much we were spending. I was also a bit stressed because we were supposed to be ovulating while on vacation. Looking back, it wasn't as relaxing as I would have liked it to be...but I'm starting to wonder if I will ever be able to fully relax.
April- my life has quieted down a bit...I still work full time, go to school, and teach dance. I got into the Masters Program- which starts in the summer...so I'm a bit worried about financial aid, the amount of homework, and some tests that I still have to take which will cost around $300. We made it to our One-Year Anniversary...but my stressing out is not looking any better. Money, school, moving, Curt doesn't like his job, if we do get pregnant- can we afford it? Am I to old to get pregnant? Um...does anyone have any stress? I sometimes feel like I am taking everyone else's.
May- I go from being fine to stressing out and then back to fine...about every day. It's getting better...but still buggy. I'm not having panic attacks or anything like that...I just plan ahead for months and years...which is pointless because things change all the time- but I still plan and then plan for plan B and plan C. I'm still working full time and teaching dance, but am looking forward to the summer- where I have a bit of a break.
Overall- since we started trying...I have had some of the most stressful months of the year or my life. I'm not sure which. So, is it any surprise that I'm not pregnant? No! Does it surprise me when people say "you just need to relax"? No! Is it annoying when people say that? Not yet...so that is good. And that is also because I know I need to relax. The thing no one really mentions is how to relax. How can I relax when I'm always stressed about something. Whether it's money, my getting older and not having kids yet, my husband and his future, my own future, my family and their health...I mean where does it stop?
You know what? It's stopping now! I'm at least going to try harder to not worry quite so much. How am I doing that? I'm not sure. We are going to be moving in with my folks for a bit, so that will help with my money issues. That will also help us pay off our bills- which will also help with my stress. I have cut down on the activities that I will be doing next year. I have said no to a few shows. Hopefully I will only be doing 3-4 shows next year instead of the 6 I did this year! And of course the amazing weather- having a back porch (my folks house), I would like to start working out again, I pray- about my family, myself, and to remind me that it's not my plan...it's His plan, then I give thanks and finally I read these devotionals that are written just for me. Here is today's:
"Do not search for security in the world you inhabit. You tend to make mental checklists of things you need to do in order to gain control of your life. If only you could check everything off your lise, you could relax and be at peace. but you the more you work to accomplish that goal, the more thing crop up on your list. The harder you try, the more frustrated you become".
I make lists for everything. Last night I spent an hour making a list on paying off our bills. I have moving lists, and a school list, and a list on getting pregnant, and a list for my lists. So, my lists are going out the window. I might make a "To-Do" list for the day...but that is it! I'm going to relax! I'm going to enjoy life! I'm going to even enjoy the struggles that I'm going through! So...there you have it! You know how I'm going to start relaxing? I will get a few things ready for our move, clean a few things as well (I promise this will help me de-stress...knowing I'm doing something), and relax with the husband. And, next week I'm getting a massage called "Stress Fix Massage". It will be a work in process, but one that will hopefully help me in the future! Thanks for reading, and I hope this does not stress you out...I feel better now!
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