So, I'm in school. I'm not telling a whole lot of people...and I apologize if I have already said this before, but I'm not telling a lot of people because, I have to take and ace 3 classes before I can even apply to the Masters program at Pitt State. So, I'm currently in 2 of the 3 classes...I had a preview of my first project in one class this past Saturday and the final for that project is due on Halloween. And I just wrote my first paper. It had to be at least 3 pages. I realized as I was writing said paper, that I hate writing papers. That is the worst part about school. Give me busy work, give me quizzes...tests kind of suck as well...but they are better than papers. I mean, they just suck! But I finished! I had someone check it out (along with the criteria) and I feel as if I did pretty well. It's not due until next week, but I wanted to get it done. I had to write about a musical...the whole class is about musicals...so as far as classes go, it's pretty fun so far! Musicals are one of my favorite things in the world! So...overall it's not terrible, but I have to get an A! So, I want to work extra hard! Even one B is not allowed and won't get me into the club! Wah Wah!
Keep your fingers crossed that my work will be enough! Thats all for today!
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
The next 6 months...are here!
Alright folks,
I had a really good topic to blog about the other day...but now I have forgotten it...
Oh wait! I'm going to school! I am not really telling people that I'm going to school...since it's not really for anything quite yet. I have to take 3 classes and get A's in all three classes before I can even be accepted into the Masters of Art in Teaching program! So, once I get into that program, then I will talk a little more about it!
So, this semester I'm taking a few courses- the first one is Musical Theatre Appreciation and History! This seems to be a really fun class. It started on Monday and I'm super excited about it! I'm trying to not be the "annoying try-hard" of the class. I have to really censor myself...ha ha ha! The other class I'm taking is a Independent Study class of Oral Interpretation of Literature! It should be a fun class as well! I was totally cool with it, but then at my first class she said don't read it so acting like...make it more about the words. So, I will have to really think about that and practice that! The first topic is a Children's Book, then it's song Lyrics! Both of those are pretty easy! At least right now, I think they are easy! We shall see!
On October 21, I can sign up for classes for next semester- which will be a video production class. Hopefully that will be a fun class as well!
I know that I have spoken about the future before, but it really is a very exciting thing! With school, and new jobs, and future kids, and moves...it's all so exciting!
My timeline:
Saturday's at 10- Teach Dance
Oct. 22 & 23- Annie Jr.
Nov. 6-7- Auditions for CYT
Nov. 11-15- Little Shop of Horrors
Nov. 24-29- Thanksgiving and the Schuellers
Dec. 2- CYT Rehearsals begin
Dec. 10-12- Auditions for BVMS
Dec. 13- Children's Christmas Program
Dec. 16- End of Class
Dec. 18-20- Clara's Dream
Dec. 21-Jan 3- Winter Break
Jan. 5- BVMS Rehearsals
Jan. 5- CYT Rehearsals start again
Feb. 2- Rockhurst auditions
Mar. 3-4- BVMS shows
Mar 9-13- CYT shows
Mar 14-20- Florida
Mar 30-Apr.2- Rockhurst shows
Apr. 2- May 27- Relax and enjoy the down time
May 27- June 3- Close up shop at school
June 3- June 25- StageworX
June 26-July 26- Relax and enjoy the down time
July 27- Start back up at school!
So, just a little of what I'm doing over the next 6-8 months! Ha ha ha! I'm so excited for the next 6 months...I mean putting on 5 shows in 6 months is a little nutty! Especially since 3 of them are in the same month! Ha ha ha! Well I'm off, my VENTI coffee is catching up with me and my fingers are typing like crazy!
Everyone enjoy your day and send lots of love out into the world!
I had a really good topic to blog about the other day...but now I have forgotten it...
Oh wait! I'm going to school! I am not really telling people that I'm going to school...since it's not really for anything quite yet. I have to take 3 classes and get A's in all three classes before I can even be accepted into the Masters of Art in Teaching program! So, once I get into that program, then I will talk a little more about it!
So, this semester I'm taking a few courses- the first one is Musical Theatre Appreciation and History! This seems to be a really fun class. It started on Monday and I'm super excited about it! I'm trying to not be the "annoying try-hard" of the class. I have to really censor myself...ha ha ha! The other class I'm taking is a Independent Study class of Oral Interpretation of Literature! It should be a fun class as well! I was totally cool with it, but then at my first class she said don't read it so acting like...make it more about the words. So, I will have to really think about that and practice that! The first topic is a Children's Book, then it's song Lyrics! Both of those are pretty easy! At least right now, I think they are easy! We shall see!
On October 21, I can sign up for classes for next semester- which will be a video production class. Hopefully that will be a fun class as well!
I know that I have spoken about the future before, but it really is a very exciting thing! With school, and new jobs, and future kids, and moves...it's all so exciting!
My timeline:
Saturday's at 10- Teach Dance
Oct. 22 & 23- Annie Jr.
Nov. 6-7- Auditions for CYT
Nov. 11-15- Little Shop of Horrors
Nov. 24-29- Thanksgiving and the Schuellers
Dec. 2- CYT Rehearsals begin
Dec. 10-12- Auditions for BVMS
Dec. 13- Children's Christmas Program
Dec. 16- End of Class
Dec. 18-20- Clara's Dream
Dec. 21-Jan 3- Winter Break
Jan. 5- BVMS Rehearsals
Jan. 5- CYT Rehearsals start again
Feb. 2- Rockhurst auditions
Mar. 3-4- BVMS shows
Mar 9-13- CYT shows
Mar 14-20- Florida
Mar 30-Apr.2- Rockhurst shows
Apr. 2- May 27- Relax and enjoy the down time
May 27- June 3- Close up shop at school
June 3- June 25- StageworX
June 26-July 26- Relax and enjoy the down time
July 27- Start back up at school!
So, just a little of what I'm doing over the next 6-8 months! Ha ha ha! I'm so excited for the next 6 months...I mean putting on 5 shows in 6 months is a little nutty! Especially since 3 of them are in the same month! Ha ha ha! Well I'm off, my VENTI coffee is catching up with me and my fingers are typing like crazy!
Everyone enjoy your day and send lots of love out into the world!
Monday, September 28, 2015
When God closes a door...
I'm a planner! I love to plan things...parties, my schedule, other people's schedules, and how to pay off my debt! It just makes me feel like I'm doing something useful...when there is not much else to do!
Today I got an email that said I might be out of a choreographing job! It was a bit of a random email. One I was not expecting, so it really took me off guard. It also took my inner finance gal for a loop as well! You know the saying "When God closes a door, he opens a window"? It's a good one. But here is what I'm feeling as of right now...
I feel as if a door is closing, but I can't tell if I'm supposed to run and catch it before it closes. Or let it close, so that a window can be opened! It's a rough feeling, you know?
The email said:
Today I got an email that said I might be out of a choreographing job! It was a bit of a random email. One I was not expecting, so it really took me off guard. It also took my inner finance gal for a loop as well! You know the saying "When God closes a door, he opens a window"? It's a good one. But here is what I'm feeling as of right now...
I feel as if a door is closing, but I can't tell if I'm supposed to run and catch it before it closes. Or let it close, so that a window can be opened! It's a rough feeling, you know?
The email said:
Are you planning on returning as an assistant director on
the musical? I am not sure if Christa has spoken with you on this, but we
need all assistant directors to be at all rehearsals for the full time for
student supervision when they are not working on their specific area.
While on one hand, I totally understand this thought. At my school, I'm at rehearsal every day...whether I'm needed or not. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's a bit buggy. I just end up sitting in the back literally doing nothing. I get that you if are paying me, you would like me to be there. On the other hand, I have a specific talent. Not everyone has this kind of talent! If I can be there 28 out of the 43 rehearsals- with my specific talent- do I really need to attend the other 15 rehearsals to just sit there?
I guess the thing that is really bothering me is that we have been doing the same thing for the past 3 years. So, why does it need to be different now? Oh well!
I am trying to learn to let God close a door so he can open a window...but I tend to have doorstops that I want to use just in case! That is probably why I have a billion jobs. I keep all of these doors propped open...when sometimes they just need to close!
Okay, that is all for today! Happy Monday, folks!
Friday, September 18, 2015
A brief post...
So, after a wonderful night with family: Watching the Chiefs game, listening to my nephew R read, and helping my niece A with her pre-school homework, and listening to L talk football after his one practice/game...I couldn't be happier!
Then I went to sleep! It was later than normal, but not anything too crazy! Until I started dreaming!
Megz- you might want to stop reading or jump down to below the dream sequence...ha ha ha...but my dream was pretty crazy!
I dreamt that I found out I was pregnant with twins! And shortly after gave birth! I'm sorry what? It was nuts! Everyone was so excited, but I remember thinking...we don't have anything prepared! No beds, car seats...nothing! At one point I realized I forgot to feed the babies! I was holding one and Curt was holding the other. When Curt's baby went to the bathroom on Curt, and he started gagging! If you know him, he does that in real life! And I couldn't do anything to help since I was still feeding the other baby!
My big thought was- I guess I can go to rehearsal for the three shows I'm doing with the 2 babies. They will just sit there!
Ha ha ha! It was so real! I woke up very thankful that I did not have twins at the moment! And props to those parents who have twins!
Moving on-
This week has been an amazing week! Nothing really special happened, but the days have been pretty laid back! I have had all my choreography done and rehearsals for both shows have gone great! I have been going to be at a good time and sleeping pretty well! It's just been a relaxed week! So, I'm excited that it's over, but am so happy with how it's gone! Happy Friday folks and let's get this weekend started!
Then I went to sleep! It was later than normal, but not anything too crazy! Until I started dreaming!
Megz- you might want to stop reading or jump down to below the dream sequence...ha ha ha...but my dream was pretty crazy!
I dreamt that I found out I was pregnant with twins! And shortly after gave birth! I'm sorry what? It was nuts! Everyone was so excited, but I remember thinking...we don't have anything prepared! No beds, car seats...nothing! At one point I realized I forgot to feed the babies! I was holding one and Curt was holding the other. When Curt's baby went to the bathroom on Curt, and he started gagging! If you know him, he does that in real life! And I couldn't do anything to help since I was still feeding the other baby!
My big thought was- I guess I can go to rehearsal for the three shows I'm doing with the 2 babies. They will just sit there!
Ha ha ha! It was so real! I woke up very thankful that I did not have twins at the moment! And props to those parents who have twins!
Moving on-
This week has been an amazing week! Nothing really special happened, but the days have been pretty laid back! I have had all my choreography done and rehearsals for both shows have gone great! I have been going to be at a good time and sleeping pretty well! It's just been a relaxed week! So, I'm excited that it's over, but am so happy with how it's gone! Happy Friday folks and let's get this weekend started!
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
The full swing of life
So, life is in full swing! I'm working full time, choreographing 2 shows, and teaching dance class one day a week! Yikes! But right now, I'm feeling great!
I'm am choreographing ahead of time. Which can be dangerous if you don't practice and go over what you made up every day! That has always been my problem! It's not that I don't want to choreograph ahead of time, I would love that! It's the fact that I can't remember what I choreographed! Ha ha ha! But for some reason this year...or at least at this time...it's different! Maybe it's because I'm less stressed! Or maybe it's because I know one of the shows I'm doing so well! Who knows! All I know is that I love it! I love choreographing ahead of time! I love being done with my stuff so far in advance that I'm not stressing about it the day of! I'm even having some students tell me they are proud of me for working so far in advance! Now, I still have to practice what I have made up every day! But that is not too hard! It's not like the dances are 12 min each! They are anywhere from 1-4 min. So, I am feeling good!
My first dance class went well! The second class got canceled due to the lack of students. But I'm trying to be positive! At least I have one class, and they are a cute class! It will be good to start off with one class! Hopefully I will be subbing some as well!
My other goal is to go to school! I am planning on taking one class this semester and 2 classes next semester, but have been waiting on a student loan! I'm not sure why it's taking so long, probably because the class I will be taking from JCCC doesn't start until January. The class that begins in October has to be paid right away...so I was hoping to get the loan money! But, I might just have to wait! Wah Wah! It's not the end of the world, it just doesn't work out perfectly! But life does not normally work out perfectly! So, I feel as if I'm doing pretty well so far!
I guess that is all from me at the moment! Timeline if all goes well:
Class- 10/12
Enroll for Spring- 10/21/2015
ABMS musical- 10/22-10/23
GEH musical- 11/1-11/15
Christmas Musical- 12/13
School Ends- 12/16
Winter Break- 12/19
I'm am choreographing ahead of time. Which can be dangerous if you don't practice and go over what you made up every day! That has always been my problem! It's not that I don't want to choreograph ahead of time, I would love that! It's the fact that I can't remember what I choreographed! Ha ha ha! But for some reason this year...or at least at this time...it's different! Maybe it's because I'm less stressed! Or maybe it's because I know one of the shows I'm doing so well! Who knows! All I know is that I love it! I love choreographing ahead of time! I love being done with my stuff so far in advance that I'm not stressing about it the day of! I'm even having some students tell me they are proud of me for working so far in advance! Now, I still have to practice what I have made up every day! But that is not too hard! It's not like the dances are 12 min each! They are anywhere from 1-4 min. So, I am feeling good!
My first dance class went well! The second class got canceled due to the lack of students. But I'm trying to be positive! At least I have one class, and they are a cute class! It will be good to start off with one class! Hopefully I will be subbing some as well!
My other goal is to go to school! I am planning on taking one class this semester and 2 classes next semester, but have been waiting on a student loan! I'm not sure why it's taking so long, probably because the class I will be taking from JCCC doesn't start until January. The class that begins in October has to be paid right away...so I was hoping to get the loan money! But, I might just have to wait! Wah Wah! It's not the end of the world, it just doesn't work out perfectly! But life does not normally work out perfectly! So, I feel as if I'm doing pretty well so far!
I guess that is all from me at the moment! Timeline if all goes well:
Class- 10/12
Enroll for Spring- 10/21/2015
ABMS musical- 10/22-10/23
GEH musical- 11/1-11/15
Christmas Musical- 12/13
School Ends- 12/16
Winter Break- 12/19
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
School...oh my!
So, I'm trying to go back to school! I have been thinking about going back to school for the past couple of years! It's been annoying, because there are no "quick" programs for me to take! Each program is 2-3 years- depending on what I wanted to teach!
This past summer, I really started thinking about it. I talked with my friends and family! And as my sister pointed out- whether you start the 2 year program today or in a few years, it's still going to be 2 years! You might as well start now! It made sense! So, I really started to look into the process.
I had it narrowed down to an online school in Wisconsin to get my teaching degree in FACS! It was going to be hard, since some of the classes weren't offered online and I was going to have to find them around town. But I am not afraid of hard work...I just want the opportunity!
Then I got brave and applied for the Masters of Art in Teaching program at Pitt State University! I sent my transcripts and have filled out all of the paperwork! I was in a holding stance for about 2 weeks! It was rough!
Yesterday, I found out that I have to take 3 classes to raise my GPA. These classes must be done by May of 2016- since the Master's Program will begin June of 2016! Yikes! I was disappointed. But I got the list of classes that I must take and have found them at JCCC and one at an online school in California!
Last night I spent the evening applying for JCCC and Saddleback College! I was getting ready to sign up for the class at Saddleback, when they said...you must pay by Credit Card! Yikes! It was $864 (not including text books)! Man, school is pricey! So, I'm going to wait about a week! Figure out where the money will come from and we will be good to go! The first class I will be taking is "Musical Theatre History and Appreciation"! I am actually excited for the class...and a little nervous! It will be starting in October and run through December! Hopefully, I will be done with most of my musical/ Christmas Program stuff! It means I must get organized and be on top of my game! I'm happy that Gardner has moved their rehearsals up to 5:30! Yahoo!!!
I won't be talking about going back to school very much until I make the Master's Program. It's the same with auditioning- you don't want everyone to ask how the audition went, because what if you don't make it! So...once I make the program, then I will let people know that I'm going back to school to become a teacher! I'm just so nervous about school...hopefully it will be different, since I actually have a goal in mind. A purpose for going to school.
Here is the plan:
Take one class this semester- October-December- Musical Theatre History
Take two classes next semester- Jan. - May- Readers Theatre and Basic Visual Production
(The good news is that, all three of these classes seem interesting! I am happy they are all theatre related)
I will also have to re-take the ACT or take a Praxis test and pass!
If everything works out and I pass the test and the classes then I will be starting the Masters program in June!
Masters Program- June 2016-May 2018! (6 hours a semester and 6 hours during the summer) I would also like to Student Teach during the final semester...but again, I'm not sure if that is possible! Once I make the program, then I will ask about that!
Graduate with my Masters in Teaching Speech/Theatre
Take a test to become a FACS teacher!
Be a teacher in the Fall of 2018!
So, I guess we will just see how it all goes! I can't believe I'm actually going to try to do this! Somewhere in there...I will also be having kids! Ha ha ha! Send prayers, happy thoughts, good luck vibes, and anything else my way! I know that I can do this if I can stay calm, not worry about money, and work hard!
This past summer, I really started thinking about it. I talked with my friends and family! And as my sister pointed out- whether you start the 2 year program today or in a few years, it's still going to be 2 years! You might as well start now! It made sense! So, I really started to look into the process.
I had it narrowed down to an online school in Wisconsin to get my teaching degree in FACS! It was going to be hard, since some of the classes weren't offered online and I was going to have to find them around town. But I am not afraid of hard work...I just want the opportunity!
Then I got brave and applied for the Masters of Art in Teaching program at Pitt State University! I sent my transcripts and have filled out all of the paperwork! I was in a holding stance for about 2 weeks! It was rough!
Yesterday, I found out that I have to take 3 classes to raise my GPA. These classes must be done by May of 2016- since the Master's Program will begin June of 2016! Yikes! I was disappointed. But I got the list of classes that I must take and have found them at JCCC and one at an online school in California!
Last night I spent the evening applying for JCCC and Saddleback College! I was getting ready to sign up for the class at Saddleback, when they said...you must pay by Credit Card! Yikes! It was $864 (not including text books)! Man, school is pricey! So, I'm going to wait about a week! Figure out where the money will come from and we will be good to go! The first class I will be taking is "Musical Theatre History and Appreciation"! I am actually excited for the class...and a little nervous! It will be starting in October and run through December! Hopefully, I will be done with most of my musical/ Christmas Program stuff! It means I must get organized and be on top of my game! I'm happy that Gardner has moved their rehearsals up to 5:30! Yahoo!!!
I won't be talking about going back to school very much until I make the Master's Program. It's the same with auditioning- you don't want everyone to ask how the audition went, because what if you don't make it! So...once I make the program, then I will let people know that I'm going back to school to become a teacher! I'm just so nervous about school...hopefully it will be different, since I actually have a goal in mind. A purpose for going to school.
Here is the plan:
Take one class this semester- October-December- Musical Theatre History
Take two classes next semester- Jan. - May- Readers Theatre and Basic Visual Production
(The good news is that, all three of these classes seem interesting! I am happy they are all theatre related)
I will also have to re-take the ACT or take a Praxis test and pass!
If everything works out and I pass the test and the classes then I will be starting the Masters program in June!
Masters Program- June 2016-May 2018! (6 hours a semester and 6 hours during the summer) I would also like to Student Teach during the final semester...but again, I'm not sure if that is possible! Once I make the program, then I will ask about that!
Graduate with my Masters in Teaching Speech/Theatre
Take a test to become a FACS teacher!
Be a teacher in the Fall of 2018!
So, I guess we will just see how it all goes! I can't believe I'm actually going to try to do this! Somewhere in there...I will also be having kids! Ha ha ha! Send prayers, happy thoughts, good luck vibes, and anything else my way! I know that I can do this if I can stay calm, not worry about money, and work hard!
Thursday, August 20, 2015
How is married life?
How is married life?
This past month has been a rough one! It has really tested me as a person, it has tested my husband and I, and it has tested my faith in God. The good news about being tested, is that you find out what you are made of! You find out if you can survive a tough situation or not. You find out if you can trust/lean on the most important person in your life! It can turn out wonderfully or it can be a disaster!
I am so happy to report that this last month has changed our lives for the better! Was it easy? No way! Did I want to quit and throw in the towel? Yes! There were even a few weeks where I thought...would it even matter if I didn't come home tonight? I was upset, being reminded of a past that I didn't want to be reminded of, I was a bit dramatic...and I was mad at both my husband and myself! Let me explain:
Curt lost his job about a month ago. It was unexpected and very surprising! And I felt unprepared! The first thing to go through my mind was money. We had been spending for the last 2 years as if we were millionaires. Curt, is a big spender! He has always been able to get whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it! So, I was angry at both of us- for not saving more. For not being smarter. For thinking that we will always have a job and money and security! All of that was now being questioned. It was rough!
I took it especially rough, since I tend to freak out about money! On top of my money freaking, I was being reminded of my ex-husband. Who lost his job and decided to not get a new one! Leaving me working full time and going to school full time! It was a rough time...and now he is my ex! Don't get me wrong, Curt started looking for work immediately! He would apply for jobs, but then play video games all day! I know it's hard to apply for job after job! I had to do it when I moved back from Florida. But I would get so annoyed with this! He would not help around the house...he would not really tell me what he applied for...it was very hard on me! Now, I know that it was hard on him! In his mind, he is supposed to be the provider! He is the man! And him playing video games was his way of not freaking out! However, I need to see a bit of freaking out! Does that make sense? I need to see some worry- so that I know that he cares. Him pretending that he is okay with how everything is...is not good for me!
Next issue- He has no clue about money! As Dave Ramsey would say- he is a spender! And I'm the saver! So, we are learning together that we can't go out to eat all the time- which was a terrible habit that we had gotten into! We are learning that we might not get to eat exactly what we want to eat! And that is okay! We are learning that we might have to say no to going out to eat with friends and family! Once again, that is okay! It's been a learning experience for the both of us! To give and take! To talk about decisions- no matter how small they might seem! We were invited out twice this week- what should we do? It's rough, but we are working it out! I just need to make sure that we keep it up, once he starts getting paychecks! Take this time to save money/pay off bills...so that in our future, we don't have to worry about that! It makes complete sense to money minded people! Not so much to spenders! Ha ha ha! Then we go and throw things like a trip to Florida in the mix...and it messes everything up! Ha ha ha! I am going to Disney World!
The biggest change also happened! I have tried to talk to Curt about a few things. I get emotional, I cry, I become angry, and I start accusing him instead of talking with him. The bad thing...is that my feelings are real, but are coming across as crazy! For example- We were at one of his friends houses and I walked into the room where he was sitting. Everyone was talking and then they all just stopped. Curt said something like, wow don't you know how to break up a party. It was nothing terrible, but he did not say just kidding, or squeeze my hand...or anything. It just hurt my feelings. When I brought it up later, he said I was just kidding. All of my friends know I'm kidding, why can't you know when I'm kidding. Needless to say, this was the start of some of our arguments. Fast forward to last week. I finally got up the courage to say what I wanted to say- without being accusatory, without sounding nuts, I wish I could say without crying- but if you know me...you know that is impossible! Ha ha ha! I said, Curt I am your wife, but I feel more like a friend! A friend with benefits! And I don't want to be just a friend! I am more! I need more! You used to romance me- and now you say "I don't have to do that anymore, I already got her"! I have written notes on the bathroom mirror for the last 2 years and you have never written one back! I finished with how much I loved him, but I was not willing to continue in a friendship with him! I want to be his wife! It was a rough conversation! But it was amazing! I don't know if I have even been able to express myself the way I did! And Curt finally understood what I was talking about! He got it! And the past 2 weeks have been amazing! He has written me notes, he has opened my door, he has made dinner for me every night! We are talking about life, about money, about what we want to do this week! It has been amazing! I love coming home from work to see him! I feel as if he loves when I'm home as well! He has been helping out around the house...it's just been great! He now has a job, which is always helpful...but it's more than that! It's being aware of what is going on with the one person you love most in the world! I don't ever doubt that he loved me...because he did! It just wasn't being shown to me...in the way I needed it to be!
The last thing that has really changed is my praying! I would pray before, but now I make it a point to pray every time I get in my car to go to work. And every time I get in my car to go home from work! I get to pray out loud- and it's more like a conversation with God then me actually praying. Which works for me! It's what I need to do for me to make it feel real and not fake! I say good morning, and thank you for the day! I prayed for a job for Curt, pray for my family- and ask for help in whatever I need help in! Then when I get out of work, I say a hello- thank him for the day. Say my family prayers and then talk about whatever I need to talk about! It might look a little crazy, but it works! And it helps! And it gives me the time and focus that I need! I really enjoy it!
Everyone asks- how is married life? For the first few months I would say "pretty much the same" or "it's wonderful!"...because it was! Life went on pretty close to how it did before we were married. Curt was a little more aware of me as his wife, but overall it was the same! Now, if someone were to ask...someone that I knew...not just a stranger, I would answer "I love it, it's hare, but we working it out!". Yes, life is easy when things in your life are easy! Marriage, no shows, plenty of money...verses marriage, shows, work, no work, no money...! We still have no money, but Curt has a job! I'm back to work and a full time paycheck is coming from me as well, and pretty soon I will start getting my musical money as well! Things are looking up! Curt and I are...to be honest...we are better than we have ever been! And I'm more in love with him today as I have ever been! So- yes this past month was hard! In fact it sucked! But in the big scheme of things...I will get to look back and say "There was one month that changed everything for your dad and I..." or "One severe weather alert changed our lives for the better" and I will get to smile! We have been through some crazy things together! And we have come out on the other side smiling, holding hands, and in love! I think we are doing pretty well! I hesitate to post this, because it's the truth...not my modified version that I might tell people! Or the version laced with humor! It's hard to put the truth out there, I don't want anyone judging us! We are learning...married life if different, just not in the ways I thought it was going to be different! But different can be awesome...if you can embrace the change! Okay, byeeeee!
This past month has been a rough one! It has really tested me as a person, it has tested my husband and I, and it has tested my faith in God. The good news about being tested, is that you find out what you are made of! You find out if you can survive a tough situation or not. You find out if you can trust/lean on the most important person in your life! It can turn out wonderfully or it can be a disaster!
I am so happy to report that this last month has changed our lives for the better! Was it easy? No way! Did I want to quit and throw in the towel? Yes! There were even a few weeks where I thought...would it even matter if I didn't come home tonight? I was upset, being reminded of a past that I didn't want to be reminded of, I was a bit dramatic...and I was mad at both my husband and myself! Let me explain:
Curt lost his job about a month ago. It was unexpected and very surprising! And I felt unprepared! The first thing to go through my mind was money. We had been spending for the last 2 years as if we were millionaires. Curt, is a big spender! He has always been able to get whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it! So, I was angry at both of us- for not saving more. For not being smarter. For thinking that we will always have a job and money and security! All of that was now being questioned. It was rough!
I took it especially rough, since I tend to freak out about money! On top of my money freaking, I was being reminded of my ex-husband. Who lost his job and decided to not get a new one! Leaving me working full time and going to school full time! It was a rough time...and now he is my ex! Don't get me wrong, Curt started looking for work immediately! He would apply for jobs, but then play video games all day! I know it's hard to apply for job after job! I had to do it when I moved back from Florida. But I would get so annoyed with this! He would not help around the house...he would not really tell me what he applied for...it was very hard on me! Now, I know that it was hard on him! In his mind, he is supposed to be the provider! He is the man! And him playing video games was his way of not freaking out! However, I need to see a bit of freaking out! Does that make sense? I need to see some worry- so that I know that he cares. Him pretending that he is okay with how everything is...is not good for me!
Next issue- He has no clue about money! As Dave Ramsey would say- he is a spender! And I'm the saver! So, we are learning together that we can't go out to eat all the time- which was a terrible habit that we had gotten into! We are learning that we might not get to eat exactly what we want to eat! And that is okay! We are learning that we might have to say no to going out to eat with friends and family! Once again, that is okay! It's been a learning experience for the both of us! To give and take! To talk about decisions- no matter how small they might seem! We were invited out twice this week- what should we do? It's rough, but we are working it out! I just need to make sure that we keep it up, once he starts getting paychecks! Take this time to save money/pay off bills...so that in our future, we don't have to worry about that! It makes complete sense to money minded people! Not so much to spenders! Ha ha ha! Then we go and throw things like a trip to Florida in the mix...and it messes everything up! Ha ha ha! I am going to Disney World!
The biggest change also happened! I have tried to talk to Curt about a few things. I get emotional, I cry, I become angry, and I start accusing him instead of talking with him. The bad thing...is that my feelings are real, but are coming across as crazy! For example- We were at one of his friends houses and I walked into the room where he was sitting. Everyone was talking and then they all just stopped. Curt said something like, wow don't you know how to break up a party. It was nothing terrible, but he did not say just kidding, or squeeze my hand...or anything. It just hurt my feelings. When I brought it up later, he said I was just kidding. All of my friends know I'm kidding, why can't you know when I'm kidding. Needless to say, this was the start of some of our arguments. Fast forward to last week. I finally got up the courage to say what I wanted to say- without being accusatory, without sounding nuts, I wish I could say without crying- but if you know me...you know that is impossible! Ha ha ha! I said, Curt I am your wife, but I feel more like a friend! A friend with benefits! And I don't want to be just a friend! I am more! I need more! You used to romance me- and now you say "I don't have to do that anymore, I already got her"! I have written notes on the bathroom mirror for the last 2 years and you have never written one back! I finished with how much I loved him, but I was not willing to continue in a friendship with him! I want to be his wife! It was a rough conversation! But it was amazing! I don't know if I have even been able to express myself the way I did! And Curt finally understood what I was talking about! He got it! And the past 2 weeks have been amazing! He has written me notes, he has opened my door, he has made dinner for me every night! We are talking about life, about money, about what we want to do this week! It has been amazing! I love coming home from work to see him! I feel as if he loves when I'm home as well! He has been helping out around the house...it's just been great! He now has a job, which is always helpful...but it's more than that! It's being aware of what is going on with the one person you love most in the world! I don't ever doubt that he loved me...because he did! It just wasn't being shown to me...in the way I needed it to be!
The last thing that has really changed is my praying! I would pray before, but now I make it a point to pray every time I get in my car to go to work. And every time I get in my car to go home from work! I get to pray out loud- and it's more like a conversation with God then me actually praying. Which works for me! It's what I need to do for me to make it feel real and not fake! I say good morning, and thank you for the day! I prayed for a job for Curt, pray for my family- and ask for help in whatever I need help in! Then when I get out of work, I say a hello- thank him for the day. Say my family prayers and then talk about whatever I need to talk about! It might look a little crazy, but it works! And it helps! And it gives me the time and focus that I need! I really enjoy it!
Everyone asks- how is married life? For the first few months I would say "pretty much the same" or "it's wonderful!"...because it was! Life went on pretty close to how it did before we were married. Curt was a little more aware of me as his wife, but overall it was the same! Now, if someone were to ask...someone that I knew...not just a stranger, I would answer "I love it, it's hare, but we working it out!". Yes, life is easy when things in your life are easy! Marriage, no shows, plenty of money...verses marriage, shows, work, no work, no money...! We still have no money, but Curt has a job! I'm back to work and a full time paycheck is coming from me as well, and pretty soon I will start getting my musical money as well! Things are looking up! Curt and I are...to be honest...we are better than we have ever been! And I'm more in love with him today as I have ever been! So- yes this past month was hard! In fact it sucked! But in the big scheme of things...I will get to look back and say "There was one month that changed everything for your dad and I..." or "One severe weather alert changed our lives for the better" and I will get to smile! We have been through some crazy things together! And we have come out on the other side smiling, holding hands, and in love! I think we are doing pretty well! I hesitate to post this, because it's the truth...not my modified version that I might tell people! Or the version laced with humor! It's hard to put the truth out there, I don't want anyone judging us! We are learning...married life if different, just not in the ways I thought it was going to be different! But different can be awesome...if you can embrace the change! Okay, byeeeee!
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